30 Lessons I’m Still Learning at 30
30 is a weird age. Some see it as a milestone, others a crisis. What can’t be denied is that 30 is an important age. Any birthday is, at least for me. Birthdays have always been my chance to reflect and take stock of my life. Am I happy? Am I fulfilled by what I’m doing, who I surround myself with? And if not, what can I do better? These are the questions that swirl through my head every July 12th. However, this year my mind was captivated by another question; what have I learned during my first thirty years?
As I began collecting my thoughts around this question, I found myself getting lost in the memories that taught me these lessons. For the most part, I felt positive at the time of learning each of these lessons. Yet the more I reflected, I began to realize that many of these lessons were born out of hardship. I haven’t had the most difficult life but I also haven’t had the easiest existence either. Life has thrown a lot at me, sometimes I overcame it, other times I failed. Mostly I made things harder on myself but I persevered. And although I feel underqualified to create this list of lessons, I’m doing so in hopes that it might help someone else.
Many of these lessons were hard learned, others I’m still learning today. What I hope this list does for you is what it’s done for me while writing it; that you realize true joy in life can be found through a combination of taking risks and continuously learning.
The obstacle is the way
I got this whole 30/30 idea from Ryan Holiday. So it’s only right that I start with something he taught me. The message is simple enough. Every obstacle, all the challenges, late nights, anxiety, moments of anger and fear, all that is seemingly in your way, is actually the way. So if your life feels like one thing going wrong after another, congrats! You’re on the path.
Do something wonderful
Although there’s a lot to love about this world, hate will always exist. This is the balance of life. With the amplification of fear through social media, bad journalism, and the toxic nature of our culture, it’s clear hate is a perpetual part of this world. However, the solution to minimizing hate is actually quite simple. But like many of life’s simple truths, the execution is far from easy. Whenever I feel slighted, betrayed, or met with hate, I try to challenge myself to do the opposite. I push back on my natural propensity to fight fire with fire and instead try to flip my reaction entirely. I try to match hate with love and kindness. Sound impossible? Well it is. More than that, it doesn’t always work. But what I found is that through this practice, although hate still holds a prominent role in this world, for a moment I squelched its flame and released its hold on my life. Who knows, maybe if I do that enough times in my life, perhaps a few times I’ll be able to lift hate’s grip on others.
Angry? Go sweat it out
There are only two things worse than being angry. Acting on your anger and pushing heavy weights over your head. At least exercising gives you something valuable back.
Beginners luck
One of my favorite stories is the journey of a shepherd faced with his personal legend. His purpose takes him on an unbelievable adventure through Africa. Each challenge he is met with on the way is greater than the last until he eventually reaches the pinnacle of his personal legend and is confronted with the impossible. Through this tale, I’ve realized my life is a lot like Paulo Coelho’s novel, The Alchemist. No matter what it is I’m pursuing, no matter the path, it follows the same formula. At first, there’s the joy of starting on a great adventure. This joy effortlessly carries you through the early part of the journey until the first obstacle meets you. From there, things only get more difficult. You discover your weaknesses and the things that hold you back from your dreams. You’re asked to give things up, even things you love, things you once thought of as part of you. Eventually, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your personal legend is nearly realized when suddenly, you’re asked to do the seemingly impossible. It’s only you, the final test, and the faith you’ve carried with you up to this point. If any of this resonates with you, take heart. Your personal legend is nearly realized. Don’t give up.
My worst critic
In comedy, you bomb a lot. And if you’re me, you bomb even more than that! Thick skin is not only advised in comedy, it’s essential. You would think that the audience is your harshest critic. People who have never done comedy always ask me questions that allude to this misconception. They wonder how I deal with a joke that doesn’t hit? Sitting in the spotlight amongst all those blank stares and haunting silence. Of course bombing sucks but it’s nothing compared to my inner critic. The unrelenting voice in my head that replays my set over and over again, drowning me in waves of criticism, as I slowly sink to the depths below. This is the hardest part of comedy. It’s also the hardest part of life. How many of us avoid doing something because we know we’re probably going to fail? All in an effort (or lack thereof) to avoid that voice in our head that’s ready to tell us, “I told you so”.
Good enough
As I enter my 30s, many of my conversations surround the topic of success. My friends and colleagues are constantly questioning if they’re doing enough. I’ve written about this before but for a lot of us, our definition of success is upside down. We seek positive outcomes over negative ones, despite often learning more from the losses. We spend so much time focusing on the end goal that we ignore all life up until that point. Even outside of work, my mind swirls around this one question; is what I’m doing good enough? If you’ve asked yourself this question, let me help you with the answer. No. You could always be doing better. The fact that you’re even asking that question suggests you know this answer already. At first, my answer may sound pessimistic but allow me to explain. If you don’t start from a place of, “I’m good enough”, then nothing you do will be. Of course there’s always room to improve. Each day I strive to wake up and be better than the day before. However, if my foundation of worth is built upon the things that I do rather than who I am, I will always feel less than. For the young readers, specifically my nephews, nieces, and little cousins that may read this years from now, spend your early years figuring out who you are, not what you’re going to do. By doing so, you will find the unexplainable brilliance within you, a brilliance each human being possesses.
We’re all going to die
Bit of a bummer, I know, but it’s the truth. Nothing lasts forever and our existence is certainly no exception. Although this reality can be depressing, I have also found it to be liberating. My days are numbered which means even today is precious. Imagine living everyday with this truth in mind. Before you hit that pillow tonight and drift into your dreams that carry you effortlessly into tomorrow, ask yourself; if this was my last day on Earth, did I live it to the fullest? Don’t devalue today or any day because as mundane and permanent as they may seem, one day it will be your last.
The one thing
“What’s the one thing you can do that makes everything else easier or obsolete?” Do that thing first.
Ask for patience, get annoyed
Prayer has played a pivotal role in my life for as long as I can remember. However, I’m just now learning how it works. When you hope for something, like a genuine hope, to improve yourself so you can be more loving, kind, patient, controlled, brave, or whatever it may be, don’t expect to wake up feeling different. Instead, expect the opposite. Ultimately that hardship, pain, criticism, hatred, fear you are experiencing is the thing that will bring out and nurture that spiritual gift within you.
Serve
For years I stressed over my purpose in life. Sleepless nights worrying about my future and the potential impacts I could make. Pretty soon, however, what was a reasonable question to ponder evolved into an unhealthy obsession that kept me from my present reality. I don’t recommend this. Instead, if you want to find your purpose, try serving other people. No matter what you believe in, every human throughout history has shared the same unifying purpose. Serving one another, helping those who could never pay you back. Trust me, helping one person is better than any joke I’ve written or business I’ve developed. It provides meaning beyond monetary value or worldly comforts. I would even go as far as to say it is the only purpose that truly matters. For what is a successful business that doesn’t help people? What are stories worth if not told to lift up our fellow man?
Being a leader is not about leading
It’s about being a model of service.
To write is to think.
The most underrated resource
Phil Stutz has a wonderful tool he’s developed called the Grateful Flow. This tool is used to combat worry, something all of us struggle with on a daily basis. It makes sense that we worry. It’s natural. In the past, worry was the thing that kept us alive. Now it’s sometimes the thing that keeps us from living. Fear can be debilitating but we do have ways to mitigate it. The power of gratitude cannot be overstated. As Phil puts it, all it takes is thinking about 3 to 4 things to recalibrate your mind and relinquish the hold anxiety may have on you. The cure to chronic stress is just being grateful for what you have. It sounds crazy but it’s true. Because as soon as you think of three things, pretty soon you’ll realize another, and then another, then suddenly, you find yourself overcome with a wave of gratitude. Suddenly fear’s grip loosens and once you realize that you have power over your worries, the possibilities are truly endless.
Consider the lilies
Nature has been my greatest comfort in the midst of hard times. Its sheer immensity reminds me how small and insignificant I am. And since I’m just a blip on this spectrum we call life, how much smaller are the problems that I’m facing?
Joy in trials produces perseverance
Detachment
The longer I’ve lived, the more I’ve realized that my thoughts are wrong. Worry is typically the biggest one for me. I worry about a lot of things. Bills, the future, what people think of me. The list goes on and on. My mom says I learned this from her. To this day, she is one of the most nervous people I know. Which is ironic because she’s also the person I would point to and say, “Now there is someone who has life figured out.” A few years ago when my mom was visiting me in New York, we had a day where it was just the two of us hanging out. I can’t remember what we did exactly but knowing us, it probably involved some combination of bookstores, shopping, and watching the Dodgers play over a couple of beers. What I do remember though is what she said to me that day. “I’m glad you don’t worry as much as I do.”, she said during the 7th inning stretch, “When I was your age, I worried constantly. Even now, I worry all the time. It’s stolen so much life away from me and I’m so glad you haven’t done that.” I smiled and took a bigger sip than usual of my beer. Little did she know that I was exactly the same. I was just better at hiding it. After that day with my mom, I made it a focus to find the culprit of my worries. This led me to discovering truths eloquently explained in Taoism. A core pillar of the faith is the idea that our worries are just a culmination of thoughts passing through our stream of consciousness. And just like any stream, our minds carry along things with the current. Thoughts, worries, anxieties, good or bad flow like debris in the flow of our mind. But just like stray branches, logs, and trash that a river carries with it, our thoughts are separate from ourselves. Taoism taught me I could just let these thoughts pass by. Just because they were in my head didn’t mean I had to pay them any mind. After practicing this for some time, I started to notice my worries as separate from me and watch them harmlessly float further downstream.
You are not your feelings. You are not your thoughts. You are not your accolades or your failures. You are you. An infinite being with limitless potential. Don’t define yourself to a singular part of you. Embrace it and welcome it into the real you.
Our minds are powerful tools, as powerful as the current of rushing river. And like a river, it’s full of debris; thoughts, worries, anxieties, that cloud the water to the point where we can hardly see the water. Do yourself a favor and watch the thoughts go by. Pretty soon you will begin to see the current again, clear as the bluest ocean. It is then you’ll know your mind is yours once more.
Good, bad, who knows?
There was a farmer who relied on his old horse to plow his fields. One day, the horse ran away. When the farmer’s neighbors came to offer their condolences over his misfortune, the farmer simply said, “Good or bad? Who knows?”. A week later, the horse returned, bringing with it a group of wild horses. The neighbors came by to congratulate the farmer on his newfound fortune. His response remained the same, “Good or bad? Who knows?” While trying to tame one of the wild horses, the farmer’s son fell and broke his leg. The neighbors lamented this unfortunate event, but the farmer responded the same, “Good, bad? Who knows?” Several weeks passed, and the army came through the village, conscripting all able-bodied young men. Seeing the farmer’s son with his broken leg, they left him behind.
Actions > words
No one will tell it straight to you like a child. Some of the most powerful lessons I have learned have come from the mouths of kids. This particular piece of wisdom didn’t come in the form of advice. In typical kid fashion, it was just an innocent comment. I’m not even sure how it came up, I just remember how it felt when I heard it. It was a typical afternoon, it must have been a weekend because I was enjoying the waning summer sun on my sister’s rooftop. Somehow the conversation shifted to something my middle nephew, who might just be the coolest kid on the planet, had said about me the week prior. With my curiosity piqued, I asked him his thoughts. “I just said, Uncle Driz is SO humble.” The roof erupted with laughter, myself included, but the sting of his innocent words remained with me well after that night. It was at that moment I realized something about myself; I talk too much. And when you spend your days talking about what you’re going to do, the less time you actually do it. Esse quam videri.
What makes a person good?
“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.”
If it hurts, it’s probably true
No one likes criticism. When I get critiqued, my first reaction is usually some version of; “They don’t know what they’re talking about.”, “If they only knew the whole picture..” or, “They’re the ones who should be looking in the mirror”. If your ego is as big as mine (it’s probably not), then this probably sounds like your inner voice. But the more I reflect on the things people say about me and my reactions to them, the more I realize the truth behind their words. They’re right. I know it’s hard to admit but trust me, giving credit to others criticisms is one of the most liberating things you can do. It relinquishes the power those criticisms have over you and puts you in the driver’s seat. By simply admitting that they’re probably right about me, I was able to control the emotions and thoughts that came afterwards. At the end of the day, those are the things that ultimately cause the most damage. Because although a person may say one thing to me, my brain will replay that a hundred times over, trying to convince me otherwise. I just got to the point where I realized that I was doing more damage convincing myself I was perfect than just accepting that I’m far from it.
Don’t speak
No one likes having conflict. Yet conflict is a normal part of life. As much as we try to avoid it, those efforts are in vain. Conflict is important. It allows people to share opposing opinions and round out their beliefs. Problem is, conflict rarely ends up this way. This is especially true for a rage-head like me. No one listens to the loudest in the room and although I knew this fact, when conflict arose, there I was, screaming my head off. I’m embarrassed to say that it took me over two decades to learn the best strategy to approach conflict with; silence. When you’re talking, you’re not listening. When you’re yelling, ironically you barely hear yourself. I would get so out of control that it was only when the dust settled and I was alone with my thoughts that I would reflect on the things I had screamed. The term “deafening silence” revealed its meaning to me in those moments as my ears were ringing from a combination of adrenaline and damaged ear drums. Needless to say I wouldn’t recommend this silent remorse. Instead, introduce silence earlier in the conflict. Even if you think you’re right, just listen. The truth needs no verbal defense. Since implementing this tactic, my conflicts have yielded some important truths that I wouldn’t have learned without taking this posture. My relationships have improved, I’ve developed a more accurate view on myself, and I spend less time feeling remorse and more time changing my life for the better.
Never in control
Get control of your life by realizing you’ve never had it in the first place.
Don’t take life so seriously
As I write this, America is in the midst of another presidential election. If you turn on the news or scroll through social media or even just walk outside, you’ll likely run into what I like to call, “privileged outrage”. Despite being one of the most prosperous nations to have ever existed, it seems like everyone living in the US would rather see it burn than build on what we have. This nation has its problems, trust me I get it. Our politicians don’t represent the people, global emissions are rising, our economy is run by a handful of mega corporations, we go to and fund wars to pay off our debts, and Frank Ocean still hasn’t dropped an album since 2016! There are serious issues we have to face. But do you know what’s not going to fix them? Hate. Fear. Placing blame on others for our collective problems. Now it’s not for me to say how we should begin to fix our global issues. I’m nobody. However, I don’t mind sharing my perspective on where to start.
Before getting into the complexities of these problems, causing us only frustration and grief, maybe we should start by doing the opposite. Less debates and more walks. Fewer tweets and more laughter. Because while our culture is obsessed with these problems, time is passing us by. Many of these issues won’t be solved in our lifetime. This means the burden will be on future generations’ shoulders. Therefore shouldn’t we be doing everything we can do to give them cause for optimism? To show them the light within the darkness. Where would we be today if our leaders throughout history gave into their outrage rather than doing something about it? So before you send off that tweet, turn on the news, or interject your opinion on how things should be done, imagine this. Imagine Mother Teresa tweeting about the food crisis in India. Think of what Martin and Malcolm would look like going over their bullets during a makeup touch up in the green room, just before another TV interview. What would the world look like if we only focused on the problem? At least to me, that’s not a world I would want to live in.
When in doubt, sleep on it
When I was a kid my grandfather, who I affectionately call ‘Tat’, told me his way of solving complex problems. At my age, my Tat didn’t have much. He grew up in a farm town called Mountainair, New Mexico. The latest census (2020) reported a population of 884 people but when Tat was growing up, it was even less than that. His dad owned a plot of land and farmed it enough to provide for his family and offer what was leftover to the community. But no matter how you measure it, my Tat grew up with very little. Opportunities weren’t given to him, school got in the way of the farm so when he turned 16, he had to figure his own way in this world. Fortunately, the farm taught him to be handy and resilient, two skills I’m still learning today despite all the resources available to me. Needless to say, he had to work hard and make high-pressure decisions quickly and effectively. He needed a job, so he used his craftiness to learn various trades. He needed a house, so he drove with my grandma (Nani) to unfinished homes and took notes of the details in his Big Chief notebook. Obviously his stories, and what he managed to accomplish with so little, amazed me. It still amazes me to this day. However, there was one question I always felt was unanswered. How?
How was he able to figure out these complex problems and make the right decision for himself and his family? To this, my Tat gave me a surprisingly simple answer. “I slept on it, mijo.” Sleep on it? I couldn’t believe that was the answer. So over the course of my childhood, collegiate, and early career years, I chalked up his answer as an inability to articulate how he actually did these incredible things. That was until I was hit with a challenge I couldn’t overcome. I tried seemingly everything but no matter my approach, how hard I worked, or how much I obsessed over the problem, I was no closer to a solution. Finally, and almost inexplicably, I remembered Tat’s words. Sleep on it.
I figured, what could it hurt? So that night, I did what he said all those years ago. I thought about the problem before bed. Not solutions to the problem, not the failed attempts at solving the problem, just the problem. I thought about all the key details, its nuances, until I had a mental picture of the problem. Then I fell asleep. Now I don’t know the science behind any of this, so forgive me if my conclusion comes off simplistic. The next morning I woke up, and I knew what to do. Immediately I rushed to my desk to write down my solution. The thoughts poured out from the ink of my pen and by the end of it, I had a plan. I didn’t know if it was going to work. After all, none of my other plans worked but it was a plan I hadn’t considered before and that was good enough for me.
Now I’m not saying this will work every time. My success rate with this approach isn’t full proof. However, there is a hidden wisdom in my Tat’s words. Beyond the outcome of sleeping on my problems, I can confirm that those nights of sleep are some of my best. Even if I don’t have the solution I was looking for, I have a fresh perspective and maybe even a new way of tackling things. So if you’re reading this and as you’re doing so you’re thinking of that one problem plaguing your waking life, maybe the answer is hidden in your resting mind.
Be the truth
Thanks, Patrice.
Do it scared
Comedy taught me this. No matter how big the stage or how good my jokes are, before I grab that mic there’s a battle I have to win. My war on fear will never end. I know this because each time I step on stage, I’m that same scared little boy I’ve always been. Apparently, most people feel this way. After the fear of death is people’s fear of public speaking. Just speaking, let alone getting a room to laugh. So how do I manage to still get on stage? I do it anyway. Despite my fears, I grab that mic and just start talking. What happens next is nothing short of astounding. The fear dissipates, as if it was never there in the first place. I’m not sure the real reason behind this but Steve Lacy has a line I love that I believe holds the answer. “What you don’t hear is the voice of fear, when you get passed that is when your life appears”.
Where there is uncertainty, there is power
If there was ever a situation that encapsulated my early life, it was the end of year trip my elementary school would take to the amusement park. While other kids yearned for this day all year, I loathed that I had to go. It was to the point where I barely slept the night before. Worry was draped over me like a warm, itchy blanket. That feeling expanded outside a simple trip to an amusement park. It crept into my high school experience. Instead of opening myself up to new friendships, I kept people at a distance. Jokes became my crutch as I moved through high school, making people laugh so they didn’t see who I really was. College was more of the same, except instead of being a class clown, I worked. For four years I woke up before the sun for my shift in a kitchen, took a nap in my truck before classes, went to class, then clocked in for my marketing internship shift until it was finally time to go home to study and unwind before I did it all again. This is where alcohol and partying entered the picture as I added another barrier between myself and others. College flew by and, like many college students today, I was left with nothing. Nothing besides me and the fear I held onto. Not long after graduation, my sister and brother in law approached me to move to New York. “Follow your dreams, mother fucker”, was all they had to say for me to trade my life out west for the promises of the city. There was just one problem, I didn’t have a dream. It dawned on me, amidst the beautiful chaos of the city that I hadn’t thought about my dreams. Throughout my childhood, adolescence, and college years, I did things out of fear. I was certain I would die on those roller coasters. I knew I wouldn’t be friends with people in high school for long. I was sure all I needed to do was work hard and study and I’d stumble upon my purpose. Yet there I was, 22 years old, fresh faced to the greatest city on earth, with no idea what I was doing there. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t avoid my fears. I had to embrace the uncertainty of my life and begin taking risks and dealing with the outcomes. Today I still struggle with feelings of uncertainty. The last several months have been some of the most worrisome moments of my life. Just how I was 8 years ago, I feel the same fear today. But now that fear has a different role. No longer is it a feeling of worry or dread but something I can tap into. A power beyond the natural world, in the most ironic form possible. Fear.
Being bad is liberating
During the pandemic, like the rest of the world, I had a lot of free time. I had so much free time that I spent a whole month creating an anti-vax alter ego known as, “Alabama Andy”. I wrote poetry, dyed my hair, rode Citi Bikes through the desolate streets of New York with my friends. Like I said, I had a lot of free time. On top of all that, I started learning how to play the guitar. I went to a local guitar shop in my hometown (the one from Better Call Saul) and purchased what would become the second guitar I’ve owned. The first was given to me for Christmas when I was younger. My parents saw my love of music, saved up, and bought me a beautiful sandy brown acoustic guitar. Their intention was good but there was just one problem, I wasn’t ready to learn. I wasn’t prepared for all the failures that come along with learning something new. I wasn’t ready to be bad. It took over 20 years later and a global pandemic to teach me a lesson I wish I had learned as a kid. Being bad at something is freeing. It offers us a rare glimpse of our true nature. Stripped of all the parts of ourselves that we’ve worked on. They’re useless when venturing in the unknown. All you can rely on is your word. The commitment you made to try something new. To really learn and experience all the frustration that comes with it.
The present is the greatest gift
“I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, And if each and all be aware I sit content.”
And above all else…
Guard your heart, because everything else flows through it.
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