Just Live Today
No matter how many times I hear Troy elude to ending his life, my reaction is always the same. Shock. I can’t comprehend someone wanting to kill themselves. It certainly has never crossed my mind. Even at my lowest. To know that there are depths below my rock bottom rattles me to my core. How can that be possible? Why does that reality have to exist?
Evolutionarily it doesn’t even compute. We’re designed to survive, are we not? Has our society gone so completely off the rails that death is better than living another day in it? According to save.org, “nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year”. That’s one person taking their life every forty seconds. In the time it took me to write this paragraph, we lost someone. I can only hope that one day, the end of forty seconds isn’t the end of Troy.
Troy’s told me about the statistical outcomes of the lives of people living with bipolar disorder. The only number that’s important to me is 20% who commit suicide. That’s the bucket Troy can never be a part of. That group embodies the phrase, “just another statistic”. He can be as manic, talented, and famous as Kanye. He could be living in his parents’ basement hiding from the world, playing video games all day. Just as long as my friend is alive, that’s all that matters.
That’s my mission. Simple but entirely too difficult to do on my own. Troy’s help is imperative. Without his effort, no amount of my own will be enough. Unfortunately for my friend, some days the effort he needs is insurmountable. Troy words it nicely, living with bipolar “is like climbing Everest.”
Certainly, living with bipolar is possible. Kanye and Stephen Fry are the poster boys for mania, depression, thoughts of suicide, and meds. Not exactly the poster you want to have in your kids bedroom, but they are people to look up to nonetheless. I think having two of his entertainment idols publicly living with bipolar is helpful for Troy. But it’s also terrifying. It’s a reminder that no amount of success or money is going to make it go away. He’s right, as of now, bipolar is only treatable. And if Kanye’s latest Instagram episode isn’t telling enough, the “treatment” isn’t working.
Listen to me or don’t. After all, I’m not a doctor and by no means do I think I have the answers. But it’s clear the mental healthcare industry is underfunded, understaffed, bogged down by insurance companies and bureaucracy, and is not about the people it should be serving. As a result many people, perhaps even you reading this, are unheard, numbed, and tossed aside. It’s no wonder our country’s suicide rates are so high.
Troy is one of those people; experiencing the loneliness that comes with being tossed aside by society for not fitting the traditional mold. At times he feels hopeless and honestly, I can’t blame him. I can’t begin to imagine what that must feel like. Regardless, my mission as a friend, as is all our missions as friends, is to make sure he knows that he’s not alone. That he has someone in this world that cares for him. Someone who answers his phone calls not out of obligation, but with a genuine interest in connecting; unlike the automated therapist office lines and insurance bots. Someone who will protect him from harming himself, both physically and emotionally. Someone willing to sit in loneliness with him.
If you’re reading this and you’re like me and are friends with someone who struggles with their mental health, please know this journey is far from easy. At times I have been self righteous and had selfish thoughts cross my mind. Feeling that Troy just needs to put more effort to get past things. Please know that you don’t have to be perfect. You’re going to make mistakes just like in any friendship and there is room to do that. Just try to be communicative of your shortcomings and if your friend is anything like mine, they’ll recognize you’re doing your best.
There’s also times where your friend may actively try to push you away. Don’t let them! It’s precisely those times when they push you away that they need a friend the most. During these times, I fall back on a book I read called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In it he summarizes the four agreements each of us should make with ourselves but I find the agreements are helpful with others as well.
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Mean what you say and say only what you truly mean. Our words are powerful tools that can build up or tear someone down and it’s important we strive to use them positively more often than not. This means no empty promises, no lashing out in anger just because you can’t control yourself. Personally, I struggle with self control, especially when it comes to my words. I’m grateful to have a friend like Troy who gives me ample opportunities to practice this agreement and who challenges me to be in control of what I say.
Don’t Take Anything Personally.
In an ideal world (a very idealistic world in my case), we may be in control of what we say and do. But someone with bipolar may not be. There may be times where they do or say something hurtful, something they don’t entirely mean. This is not the time to get self righteous. Rather, it’s time to commit to the second agreement. Let their actions and words, hurtful as they may be, roll off you like oil on water. After all, the pain they may have caused you is nothing compared to what is occurring inside their mind.
Don’t Make Assumptions.
You know what they say when you assume something. This is especially important when supporting your friends. Don’t assume your right about what they should do next. Nor should you assume what’s going on in their brain. The fact is, they are the only ones who know exactly what they are thinking and feeling. Take what they say at face value and try not to look any deeper than that. Just because you’re following the first two agreements doesn’t mean they are. So instead of making assumptions, ask questions. In my experience, a well formulated question can be like a life raft for someone who is drowning in a sea of depression.
Always Do Your Best.
This agreement is not saying you won’t fail. It doesn’t expect you to be perfect. Rather, it’s something to strive for everyday. The key word here is everyday. A lifetime is quite a long road ahead and if you fixate on all that needs to be done and all the obstacles ahead, it can be debilitating. One of my favorite quotes comes from Matthew 6:34:
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
All at once, this passage is overwhelmingly optimistic and realistic. It’s honest that life will continue to present new challenges to each of us. There will continue to be hardship, struggle, and certainly tears tomorrow. However, we live in the present for a reason. Today, in spite of everything that may be going on, is a gift. A chance to overcome something or be content with our circumstances. Yes, we may have goals for the future, or aspirations to get out anguish we may be in. But we also have today and today is enough, no matter who you are or what you may be going through. So give today your all.
Let’s face the reality. Bipolar is currently incurable. As Troy mentioned, it’s a battle he will have his entire life. However, it’s one we can face together as friends. Although I’m never going to have the answers Troy is seeking for, nor the solutions he yearns for; I do have today. Today I can give him my word, empathy, patience, and effort to my friend when he’s in need. Hopefully by giving this to my friend, he’ll realize these same qualities live within him and are accessible today. Now that’s worth living for.
If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please do not hesitate to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK (8255). This is a free, 24/7 confidential service that can provide people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, or those around them, with support, information, and local resources. For more information, call or visit www.suicidepreventionhotline.org.
